NA: (Black woman wearing pelicans shirt) How ya been suge? 

Me: That sounds New Orleans to me. Your threat profile is hostile spirits, zombies, wannabe vampires and whatever escaped from the Baton Rouge zoo.

NA: You know it!

Me: You get the anti-ghost assault rifle from Spectral. All-weather, heavy damage, guaranteed kills.

NA: It’s heavy. (holds weapon)

Me: Eat more sausage gumbo and you’ll get stronger. Next state!

BA: (Hawaiian woman) Oahu Hawaii.

Me: Hmm, a tough one. Your threats are hostile ships, aircraft, and sea creatures. The earth itself doesn’t like you sometimes.

BA: Beauty comes with a price.

Me: Then make it pay with these gloves. (holds gloves) They charge and cast the Kamehameha wave. Long range, environmentally friendly, heavy damage, very cheap, calls back to Hawaiian culture.

BA: Why don’t I get a gun? (puts on gloves) 

Me: Ammo costs too much. 

BA: Stupid Jones act.

Me: Next! Hey you, what’s your state?

NK: (short guy with Jets hat) Hey yo!

Me: State?

NK: Newark New Jersey! I’m in a hurry here!
Me: Multi-Part PPG, smugglers edition (holds up pistol). It’ll fit anywhere and bring down all your enemies. Plus it comes apart easily in case you gotta hide it before crossing security.

NK: Like the sound of that (holds pistol)!

Me: Thought you would. Next!

PG: (black woman with short straight hair wearing a suit) Good day, sir.

Me: State?

PG: Prince George County and I work in DC.

Me: You get a lightsabre. DC & PG have a lot of sensitive landmarks and your threats are in your face. 

PG: (holds lightsabre) An elegant weapon from a more civilized age.

Me: Quite the poet here.

PG: Isn’t this a sci-fi gun list?

Me; Fine, you also get a bowcaster, Chewbacca edition. (hold up bowcaster) Also a classic weapon. Police & gun nuts will think it’s a crossbow and ignore you.

PG: (holds weapon) It’s really heavy! 

Me: So is history. Next!

VA: (older white man wearing a tan suit and short tie) Hello good sir.

Me: You sound mid-atlantic. Region?

VA: Chesapeake bay.

Me: Got something special for you. You don’t have many sci-fi threats but you got drone swarms, hate groups, and lobbyists. So you get Captain America’s shield. (hold up shield) Versatile, a timeless traditional weapon.

VA: I wanted a gun.

Me: You have the Colt 1911. You can use it with the shield like Cap did in the war. It’ll bring out the patriotism and keep you safe.

VA: (holds up shield) Wasn’t this made by Africans?

Me: Also like most of your state. Next!

MI: (20-ish hispanic female with dolphins shirt) Hey papi!

Me: I know that accent. South Florida?

MI: Miami and the Keys.

Me: Oh boy. Your threat profile is in & out of the water. Face-eating zombies, Manosphere streamers, hostile reptiles, all the cartels, russian mistresses, Bermuda triangle creatures, Cuban infiltrators, and the mosquitos.

MI: That face-eater was only 1 guy!

Me: Sure about that? Anyway, you get Alien Blaster from Fallout 3! Vaporises anything you point at it, and it’ll hook on your G-string.

MI: (holds up gun) What about the ammo?

Me: Get your Only Simps to pay for it. Next state!

LA: (Tan woman with dodgers hat) We’re number 1!

Me: Oh great I know who this is.

LA: LA & Orange County in daaa hoouuussse!

Me: (groan) Yes you are. Alright, your threat profile is drug zombies, alien invaders, drones, and celebrities with entourages. Also you need a weapon that won’t burn down the city when you fire it. 

LA: Can I get a cool one like Miami? I don’t want FAFO.

Me: You know what? Yes! You get the stylish, iconic Noisy Cricket! (holds up weapon) It’ll fit in your purse and impress your audience. Hell you might even get a TV deal!

LA: (holds up gun) I’m a break this damn thing! It’s too small.

Me: Watch where you aim that! It’ll tear down a crackhouse in one shot.

LA: Why do I get a big AoE weapon? It’ll mess up the city.

Me: That’s a you problem not a me problem. Anyway you can turn down the power.

LA: What deal will I get? Dancing with da Stars?

Me: Try Forgotten Weapons. Next state!

WA: (Chinese woman with Seahawks hat) Washington State I-5 west. 

Me: Very specific region. Lots of cities but lots of damp forest and coastline too. Threats include killer whales, sparkle vampires, Boeing aircraft and maybe a bigfoot wannabe. (hold up gun) You get Shard shotgun from XCOM 2 with multiple ammos.

WA: Multiple ammos? I gotta switch ‘em out?

Me: Bluescreen rounds for robots and drones, AP rounds for aggressive whales, and dragon rounds for the vampires & bigfoot.

WA: I thought they didn’t like garlic?

Me: These vampires are special and so are you. 

WA: Aww that’s sweet.

Me: No it wasn’t. NEXT!

AS: (Rikishi) Talofa, buddy.

Me: Alright….islands, right?

AS: American Samoa where America’s day ends. 

Me: Oh good, didn’t wanna leave you out. Your threat profile is lighter than most places, but you can’t get lazy. You get Frieza force arm cannon with scouter. (Holds up cannon) Environmentally friendly, uses your ki so easy to recharge, and the scouter helps you aim. 

AS: (wears cannon) Hey can I do the haka dance with this thing on? 

Me: There isn’t a man alive that will stop you. Next!

AR: (tall white woman with a bbq bib on) Arkansas checkin’ in.

Me: Looks like your hog problem has gone supernatural.

AR: It’s like Aliens out here in the countryside.

Me: Then you need an aliens solution. M4A1 chambered with 10mm caseless and 30mm grenade launcher under it. (hold up weapon) Grenades sold separately.

AR: (holds up weapon) Is this enough gun for the herd of hogs behind my trailer?

Me: There’s 150 rounds and it has a countdown tracker on the side since y’all can’t count. If that ain’t enough, then you’re doing it wrong.

AR: Let’s rock!

Me: I knew you’d say that. Next!

DM: (short black woman with curly hair and a sun dress) Delta Region Mississippi. Hiya suge.

Me: Your area’s a tough one. Same ghost problem as Nawlins but also vampires and hostile fish and hogs. 

DM: Don’t forget the poverty.

Me: Alright you need a low maintenance high-impact weapon that can hit multiple threats, doesn’t require you to read much and also works in high humidity. Hmmm, how about the Tesla rifle? Electricity disrupts ghosts and pretty much anything else at that voltage.

DM: (hold up rifle) This thang actually work?

Me: If it conks out, you can fix it with parts from the junkyard. The ultimate budget weapon. Next!

WI: (Tall guy wearing orange vest) North Wisconsin.

Me: Y’all still have a Zombie deer problem?

WI: Yup. 

Me: You’re in Walking Dead territory now. You need a Predator shoulder plasmacaster. (Hold up cannon) self-guided and manual modes. Won’t get in the way of your Remington rifle. 

WI: Can I still eat the deer afterwards?

Me: Probably but that cannon doesn’t leave a lot of meat. Next state!

OK: (Man wearing white tank top) Panhandle Oklahoma

Me: Y’all got a mix of everything. So I’m giving you the everything weapon. ZOrg ZF-1 (hold up the weapon). You’ll especially like the flamethrower when tangling with hidden hog dens.

OK: I like me some bacon!

Me: Don’t we all. Also, when you get home, press that button on the side. 

OK: Should I press it now?

Me: No, wait until you get home. It’ll sync the gun with your phone. Nothing else will happen.

OK: I was expectin’ a big boom.

Me: Oh it will be, pal. Next state!

TN: (man wearing flannel and a cowboy hat) Memphis area. 

Me: Your threats are river monsters like carp, bad tourists, and aggressive streamers.

TN: We’re also known for barbecue.

Me: It’s not as good as Louisiana’s.

TN: I take offense to that statement, stranger.

Me: That’s why you get the Yondu model Whistle controlled flying arrow. (hold up arrow) Memphis is famous for music as well. You play the tune the right way and your enemies will be meat on the grill.

TN: I’ll write a song in your honor. 

Me: Play it for me after you turn off the arrow, sir. Next state!

BB: (tall blond guy wearing a Celtics jersey) Beantown here!

Me: Boston finally makes an appearance!

BB: The train was slow. 

Me: Your threats are failed experiments, the IRS, IRA wannabees, evil machines, and your fellow New Englanders.

BB: Lotta chowdaheads here.

Me: Uh huh, sure. You need the Auto-9 from Robocop. (holds up gun) Multiple fire options from single shot to 7 round burst. Caseless so you don’t leave a mess behind. 

BB: (holds up gun) This thing is hard to aim!

Me: Get Boston Dynamics to make you into a cyborg. Next!

PP: (Tall black guy with fade and Eagles shirt) Philadelphia born and raised!

Me: Your playground has zombies, horseshit eaters, serial killers, dumb aliens, sick monkeys, and wannabee boxers. 

PP: They be drawn’ out here. 

Me: Well, it’s time to bring them some history. (Holds up weapon) The Lincoln Repeater from Fallout 3. Chambered in .44, super accurate and fast firing.

PP: (holds up gun) This thang older than the Phillies!

Me: Philly’s a town with a lot of history so it gets a historical sci-fi rifle. You’ll need it for those fast ass zombies and poop eaters.

PP: Not for nothing, but why not the railway rifle?

Me: That’s for Pittsburgh. Next!

HU: (tall black woman with long hair in a ponytail and Rockets jersey) H-town till I drown y’all.

Me: Houston, eh? Hmm, well I don’t have a gun that kills humidity. But you need the second best thing. (Hold up gun) The Freeze gun from Batman & Robin. This’ll cool off the Skunk Ape and whatever African animal escaped from some dumbass’ private zoo. 

HU: (Holds up gun) I’m fixing to make shaved ice with this!

Me: I would too if I lived there. Next state!

CH: (Man wearing Bears jersey and police ballcap) Do you like deep dish?

Me: I do indeed. You must be from Chi-town, officer. Retired?

CH: After 15 years on the force.

Me: Doesn’t seem that long, but you’ve probably seen it all. You’ve got transforming alien robot monsters, ghosts, mind-controlling serial killers, and whatever escapes from the local museum, to deal with.

CH: The worst threat might be fellow officers.

Me: So you need a full-spectrum weapon that respects the badge. (holds up gun) This is the Lawgiver Mark II from Judge Dredd. Multiple ammo types, palm lock so pickpockets can’t use it, and target sensor to correct for your traditionally bad aim. 

CH: (holds up gun) How do I fight ghosts with this?

Me: Load the exorcism rounds. If that don’t work, ask Pope Leo to bless the gas rounds. That’ll teach ‘em to respect your authority. Next state!

PO: (Young tan woman wearing a sweater and hoodie tied around waist, arms crossed) Hi. I’m not really into guns though.

Me; This is a gun shop, though. But don’t worry, I got just the gun for the non-violent, eco-friendly and clever sort. (holds up gun) This is the Gravity Gun from Half-Life. It picks up things and then yeets them at whatever you don’t like. 

PO: I don’t like hurting people though.

Me: Then this gun is perfect! You can lift up a manic methhead or a freaky fentanyl fool and put them out of your way as gently as you wish. I suggest the river.

PO: (Holds up gun) I can finally clean up the streets!

Me: I’m looking forward to whatever goofy sculpture you make with it. Next state!

PR: (20-something Latin man with combover and white t-shirt) Como te llamas?

Me: Me llamo gun guy. What’s your state?

PR: Puerto Rico.     

Me: Alright, a tough one. Your threat profile is nutty tourists, bad weather, and the Chupacabra. Unfortunately a gun can’t solve your power problems.

PR: We need a new everything.

Me: Therefore, you need a gun that doesn’t require ammo. (hold up gun) Behold the Zat-nik-tel or Zat gun from Stargate. Folds for easy storage, one shot equals pain, two equals death, and 3 equals adios muchachos.

PR: (holds up gun) How do I reload it?

Me: Here’s the thing- you don’t need to. Hell if you can find an inverter you can use to power your neighborhood. 

PR: It looks like a cobra.

Me: Good, it’ll scare the crappy tourists. Next state or territory!

(black man in 20s wearing Falcons jersey) What up?

Me: I know that accent. Decaetur?

AT: 404.

Me: Hotlanta, huh? Man, y’all got a lot of problems. Gangstas, wannabe movie stars, white supremacists that don’t like massages, Hogzillas, and super sturgeons.

AT: Lotta trimm here.

Me: Then you need a versatile weapon. (holds up gun) DL-44 Blaster from Star Wars, with Han Solo mods. Stronger than the E-11, steady rapid fire, charges well without overheating.

AT: (holds up gun) Man, this looks old as fuk.

Me: It also comes with a scope to help you hit what you aim at. Something y’all have problems with, especially with special teams. Next state! 

BO: (woman wearing a tie-die shirt) Peace and love, my man!

Me: (sniffing sound) Lemme guess, Boulder Colorado?

BO: How’d you know? 

Me: I was gonna say Northern Cali but the weed smell hit different.

BO: I’m not really a gun gal. More of a free spirit.

Me: Then you’re in the right place. You get the Portal gun. (holds up gun) If there’s a difficult problem, shoot this at it, then shoot it at something else and it’ll go over there.

BO: (holds up gun) I look like a Far Cry villain holding this.

Me: Don’t worry about the aesthetic. Best part about this is you can skip the drive to the mountains. Ain’t that super?

BO: Peaceful and eco-friendly. Impressive.

Me: Knew you’d feel that way. NEXT!

GU: Kao mamaolek ha' hao?

Me: That’s a new one. Islands?

GU: Guam. Everyone knows us.

Me: Oh yah. You get to deal with typhoons, polynesian sea monsters, many navies and pushy tourists. 

GU: All the fun comes with the setting sun.

Me: You need a full spectrum weapon that doesn’t require resupply. You get the Megabuster. (holds up arm cannon) Solar powered so no bullets. Multiple charge options, can blast through walls as well.

GU: Where can I get spare parts? There’s no Frys around here.

Me: Dude you’re next door to Japan & China. Just check Rakuten.

GU: (holds arm cannon) Can I do charge shot and slide shot?

Me: Of course. You can even do the jump shot trick. Next state!