Embedded Files
Sci-fi main gun per state because Mango hasn’t done it yet! First state, come on up!
New Orleans Louisiana
New Orleans Louisiana
NA: (black woman wearing pelicans shirt) How ya been suge?
Me: That sounds New Orleans to me. Your threat profile is hostile spirits, zombies, wannabe vampires and whatever escaped from the baton rouge zoo.
NA: You know it!
Me: You get the anti-ghost assault rifle from Spectral. All-weather, heavy damage, guaranteed kills.
NA: It’s heavy. (holds weapon)
Me: Eat more sausage gumbo and you’ll get stronger. Next state!
Oahu Hawaii
Oahu Hawaii
BA: (Hawaiian woman) Oahu Hawaii.
Me: Hmm, a tough one. Your threats are hostile ships, aircraft, and sea creatures. The earth itself doesn’t like you sometimes.
BA: Beauty comes with a price.
Me: Then make it pay with these gloves. (holds gloves) They charge and cast the Kamehameha wave. Long range, environmentally friendly, heavy damage, very cheap, calls back to Hawaiian culture.
BA: Why don’t I get a gun? (puts on gloves)
Me: Ammo costs too much.
BA: Stupid jones act.
Me: Next! Hey you, what’s your state?
Central and North Alaska
Central and North Alaska
AK: (tall native woman wearing a bear fur) Central and North Alaska.
Me: Your threats are the wildlife, the Russians, possible UFOs, cryptids, and those bushmen who live in Seattle but pretend to be Alaskan on TV.
AK: You betcha.
Me: (holding weapon) You need the Federation Type 2 phaser, 25th century version. Portable, easy to carry, long charge, cuts through anything out there. And it can heat up rocks in case you’re cold.
AK: (holding weapon) Why don’t I get a big gun?
Me: You already have the Ruger 77. That’s big enough. A type 2 won’t weigh you down and hell you can use it to skin & cook.
AK: I suppose.
Me: Next state!
Roswell Area New Mexico
Roswell Area New Mexico
MA: (tall woman wearing cowboy hat) Roswell Area New Mexico
Me: Ooh a tough one. You’ve got a lot of desert, UFOs, chupacabras, Walter White wannabes, and Jeff Bezos experiments.
MA: What’s on my plate?
Me: You need a weapon that can reach out far and do a lotta damage. (holds up weapon) Plasma Lance from XCOM. Treats armor like toilet tissue, effective range, makes bad chemistry decisions disappear.
MA: (holds weapon) Perfect. May you find peace, stranger.
Me: That weapon will enlighten up all your enemies. Next state!
Southern Arizona
Southern Arizona
AA: (Woman wearing Suns jersey) Southern Arizona.
Me: You’ve got all of New Mexico’s problems, along with corrupt ice agents and cartels. You need a weapon that teaches the enemy a lesson and is very reliable.
AA: Whatcha got for me?
Me: The Hammer of Dawn (holds up weapon). Works in all conditions, hell you could let it get covered in dust, hit crackheads with the muzzle and it’ll still work.
AA: Death from Above. Nice.
Me: Next!
Coastal Maine
Coastal Maine
MP: (woman wearing overalls and holding fishing rod) Coastal Maine, outsider.
Me: Maine, huh? Your threat profile is lake monsters, sea monsters, mutants, fog monsters. and massholes.
MP: The worst kind.
Me: You need the M56 Smartgun. Heavy gun, heavy backpack but lightweight thanks to carry exoframe. Key part is the motion sensor.
MP: (holds smartgun) I look like a cosplayer in this.
Me: Nobody can see you in the fog, but you can see everyone with that. Next!
Bay Area
Bay Area
SJ: (black man wearing chain and A’s hat) Sup blood.
Me: State?
SJ: Bay Area cali.
Me: Your big threat is machines. AI plus hardware. (holds up gun) M25 Phased Plasma pulse gun bullpup. 150 rounds. Laser sight to help you aim because none of y’all can shoot straight.
SJ: (holds gun) Why can’t I get the Zorg?
Me: You can’t afford the ammo and rent together. Next!
Las Vegas area
Las Vegas area
LZ: (woman with curly hair and visor) Las Vegas area. Put your chips on the table.
Me: You get a Zorg ZF dash 1. (holds up gun) Your threats are drones, trigger-happy rich gamblers, unknown aircraft, drunk football players, and whatever escapes from the circus. Swiss army knife of weapons.
LZ: (holds Zorg) You sound like I have 99 problems.
Me: That gun solves them all. Next!
New York City
New York City
NY: (woman wearing knicks hat and has small purse) How ya been?
Me: New York city, right?
NY: Obviously. I’m in a hurry, gotta celebrate.
Me: I bet. Your threats are drones, out of control balloons, mafia wannabees, aggressive streamers, subway crazies, and strange pets.
NY: I still laugh at the lion guy.
Me: We all do. (holds up pistol) Babylon 5 W&G Model 10 PPG. Hits hard, does a lot of tissue damage, won’t wreck your apartment walls.
NY: (holds pistol) Why don’t I get a bigger gun like the noisy cricket?
Me: You can’t fit bigger in your purse. And do you wanna pay for damages?
NY: Rent’s already too high.
Me: Ain’t it always? Take the gun. Next!
Newark New Jersey
Newark New Jersey
NK: (short guy with Jets hat) Hey yo!
Me: State?
NK: Newark New Jersey! I’m in a hurry here!
Me: Multi-Part PPG, smugglers edition (holds up pistol). It’ll fit anywhere and bring down all your enemies. Plus it comes apart easily in case you gotta hide it before crossing security.
NK: Like the sound of that (holds pistol)!
Me: Thought you would. Next!
Buffalo area and countryside New York
Buffalo area and countryside New York
AB: (blond woman wearing Bills shirt) Buffalo area and countryside New York.
Me: Your threat profile is different than the big cities. White nationalists, lake monsters, the cold, lake-effect snow, and Stephen King monsters.
AB: Never a dull moment here.
Me: You get the Federation Type 3 phaser rifle, Nemesis edition. Multiple settings for multiple targets. And you can cook with it.
AB: (holds up rifle) Lighter than it looks. Is it reliable?
Me: More than the Bills offense. Next!
Prince George County & DC
Prince George County & DC
PG: (black woman with short straight hair wearing a suit) Good day, sir.
Me: State?
PG: Prince George County and I work in DC.
Me: You get a lightsabre. DC & PG have a lot of sensitive landmarks and your threats are in your face.
PG: (holds lightsabre) An elegant weapon from a more civilized age.
Me: Quite the poet here.
PG: Isn’t this a sci-fi gun list?
Me; Fine you also get a bowcaster, Chewbacca edition. (hold up bowcaster) Also a classic weapon. Police & gun nuts will think it’s a crossbow and ignore you.
PG: (holds weapon) It’s really heavy!
Me: So is history. Next!
Chesapeake bay
Chesapeake bay
VA: (older white man wearing a tan suit and short tie) Hello good sir.
Me: You sound mid-atlantic. Region?
VA: Chesapeake bay.
Me: Got something special for you. You don’t have many sci-fi threats but you got drone swarms, hate groups, and lobbyists. So you get Captain America’s shield. (hold up shield) Versatile, a timeless traditional weapon.
VA: I wanted a gun.
Me: You have the Colt 1911. You can use it with the shield like Cap did in the war. It’ll bring out the patriotism and keep you safe.
VA: (holds up shield) Wasn’t this made by Africans?
Me: Also like most of your state. Next!
Miami and the Keys
Miami and the Keys
MI: (20-ish hispanic female with dolphins shirt) Hey papi!
Me: I know that accent. South Florida?
MI: Miami and the Keys.
Me: Oh boy. Your threat profile is in & out of the water. Face-eating zombies, Manosphere streamers, hostile reptiles, all the cartels, russian mistresses, Bermuda triangle creatures, Cuban infiltrators, and the mosquitos.
MI: That face-eater was only 1 guy!
Me: Sure about that? Anyway, you get Alien Blaster from Fallout 3! Vaporises anything you point at it, and it’ll hook on your G-string.
MI: (holds up gun) What about the ammo?
Me: Get your Only Simps to pay for it. Next state!
LA & Orange County
LA & Orange County
LA: (Tan woman with dodgers hat) We’re number 1!
Me: Oh great I know who this is.
LA: LA & Orange County in daaa hoouuussse!
Me: (groan) Yes you are. Alright, your threat profile is drug zombies, alien invaders, drones, and celebrities with entourages. Also you need a weapon that won’t burn down the city when you fire it.
LA: Can I get a cool one like Miami? I don’t want FAFO.
Me: You know what? Yes! You get the stylish, never forgotten Noisy Cricket! (holds up weapon) It’ll fit in your purse and impress your audience. Hell you might even get a TV deal!
LA: (holds up gun) I’m a break this damn thing! It’s too small.
Me: Watch where you aim that! It’ll tear down a crackhouse in one shot.
LA: Why do I get a big AoE weapon? It’ll mess up the city.
Me: That’s a you problem not a me problem. Anyway you can turn down the power.
LA: What deal will I get? Dancing with da Stars?
Me: Try Forgotten Weapons. Next state!
West Dakotas
West Dakotas
WD: Hau.
Me: No, I mean what. Oh wait I know this one. Dakotas?
WD: West Dakotas, stranger.
Me: You’re in rugged country with big animals with thick skin & bad attitudes. And annoying bikers. You get Gears of War Torque Bow. (hold up weapon) Magnetic projectile. Punctures armor, bone, and engines. Makes things go boom afterwards.
WD: What about close quarters? (holds up weapon)
Me: Those blades will cut through idiots and enemies just the same.
WD: Philámayaye
Me: I’m assuming that means you like the reload sound too. Next!
Washington State I-5 west.
Washington State I-5 west.
WA: (Chinese woman with Seahawks hat) Washington State I-5 west.
Me: Very specific region. Lots of cities but lots of damp forest and coastline too. Threats include killer whales, sparkle vampires, boeing aircraft and maybe a bigfoot wannabe. (hold up gun) You get Shard shotgun from XCOM 2 with multiple ammos.
WA: Multiple ammos? I gotta switch ‘em out?
Me: Bluescreen rounds for robots and drones, AP rounds for aggressive whales, and dragon rounds for the vampires & bigfoot.
WA: I thought they didn’t like garlic?
Me: These vampires are special and so are you.
WA: Aww that’s sweet.
Me: No it wasn’t. NEXT!
American Samoa
American Samoa
AS: (Rikishi) Talofa, buddy.
Me: Alright….islands, right?
AS: American Samoa where America’s day ends.
Me: Oh good, didn’t wanna leave you out. Your threat profile is lighter than most places, but you can’t get lazy. You get Frieza force arm cannon with scouter. (Holds up cannon) Environmentally friendly, uses your ki so easy to recharge, and the scouter helps you aim.
AS: (wears cannon) Hey can I do the haka dance with this thing on?
Me: There isn’t a man alive that will stop you. Next!
Arkansas
Arkansas
AR: (tall white woman with a bbq bib on) Arkansas checkin’ in.
Me: Looks like your hog problem has gone supernatural.
AR: It’s like Aliens out here in the countryside.
Me: Then you need an aliens solution. M4A1 chambered with 10mm caseless and 30mm grenade launcher under it. (hold up weapon) Grenades sold separately.
AR: (holds up weapon) Is this enough gun for the herd of hogs behind my trailer?
Me: There’s 150 rounds and it has a countdown tracker on the side since y’all can’t count. If that ain’t enough, then you’re doing it wrong.
AR: Let’s rock!
Me: I knew you’d say that. Next!
Delta Region mississippi
Delta Region mississippi
DM: (short black woman with curly hair and a sun dress) Delta Region mississippi. Hiya suge.
Me: Your area’s a tough one. Same ghost problem as Nawlins but also vampires and hostile fish and hogs.
DM: Don’t forget the poverty.
Me: Alright you need a low maintenance high-impact weapon that can hit multiple threats and doesn’t require you to read much and also works in high humidity. Hmmm, how about the Tesla rifle? Electricity disrupts ghosts and pretty much anything else at that voltage.
DM: (hold up rifle) This thang actually work?
Me: If it concs out, you can fix it with parts from the junkyard. The ultimate budget weapon. Next!
Central Nebraska
Central Nebraska
NB: (Farmer outfit) Go Big Red here!
Me: What state?
NB: Central Nebraska.
Me: Alright, seems like you got a crop circle problem. You need the batleff and klingon disrupter combo. (hold up weapons) A traditional combo for a traditional state.
NB: (hold up weapon) This thing’s so sharp. Can I reap with it?
Me: It’ll cut down cornstalks and aliens that don’t respect them. Next state!
Central Florida Orlando region
Central Florida Orlando region
CF: (tanned woman wearing purple blouse) Central Florida Orlando region. I got disney world tickets.
Me: Just what I wanted to talk to you about. Your threats are FNF style crazy robots, evil disney characters, and whatever new invasive species is in the lake.
CF: They’re really crawling out the woods today.
Me: This will solve that (hold up gun). Mark 2 Lancer with chainsaw. Gritty, not great on range but the chainsaw blade solves your jumpscare problem.
CF: (holds up gun) How do I keep my fingers?
Me: Practice, honeybunch. Next state!
North Wisconsin
North Wisconsin
WI: (Tall guy wearing orange vest) North Wisconsin.
Me: Y’all still have a Zombie deer problem?
WI: Yup.
Me: You’re in walking dead territory now. Your gun is the predator shoulder plasmacaster. (Hold up cannon) self-guided and manual modes. Won’t get in the way of your remington rifle.
WI: Can I still eat the deer afterwards?
Me: Probably but that cannon doesn’t leave a lot of meat. Next State!
Panhandle Oklahoma
Panhandle Oklahoma
OK: (Man wearing white tank top) Panhandle Oklahoma
Me: Y’all got a mix of everything. So I’m giving you the everything weapon. ZOrg ZF-1 (hold up the weapon). You’ll especially like the flamethrower when tangling with hidden hog dens.
OK: I like me some bacon!
Me: Don’t we all. Also, when you get home, press that button on the side.
OK: Should I press it now?
Me: No, wait until you get home. It’ll sync the gun with your phone. Nothing else will happen.
OK: I was expectin’ a big boom.
Me: Oh it will be, pal. Next state!
Memphis area
Memphis area
TN: (man wearing flannel and a cowboy hat) Memphis area
Me: Your threats are river monsters like carp, bad tourists, and aggressive streamers.
TN: We’re also known for barbecue.
Me: It’s not as good as Louisiana’s.
TN: I take offense to that statement, stranger.
Me: That’s why you get the Yondu model Whistle controlled flying arrow. (hold up arrow) Memphis is famous for music as well. You play the tune the right way and your enemies will be meat on the grill.
TN: I’ll write a song in your honor.
Me: Play it for me after you turn off the arrow, sir.
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