Comedy Writing

During the Thargold War event in Elite Dangerous, the damaged stations make emergency supply contracts. If you complete the contract, it helps the war effort. Apparently, there is a dire need to 'get tore up' at this station. Because 1746 tons of wine is WAAAAY too much for any treatment.

I mean, seriously, is this a colony of alcoholics and wine-testers? Why do you need the output of a small winery to help your people? You're fighting aliens, not the French.

Watch me fulfil this order and they complain "Oh you didn't buy the good Altair shit- we're not taking this table wine. Buncha snobs.

AND they want cigarettes too. I mean, do they really wanna win, or what? Their ships must be so full of smoke, they can't see outside.

Is this why we're losing? The factions are too tore up and have so many tumors they can't fight anymore and the aliens are just waltzing right in?

AND they want slaves, too? You know, Empire citizens... I can just fly off any leave your fate to the Thargolds. Sure, they're the worse guy, but you don't have to be the bad guy too, mm'kay?

This pirate faction, they're the worst. They wanna get blazed and not fight. Why can't they be like the other factions and ask Ok, soldiers & pilots gotta eat. And you'll want to fix the air, need body armor, and medicine. I'd order those things AFTER the battle, but that's just me.

"We need to maintain our stocks"---why? Are the AX pilots all dope fiends or somethan? What do our ships run on besides hydrogen-3? Cope-ium?

6 poor ways to spend your $1400 US stimulus check

March 24, 2021

You've got money to burn in your bank account and I've got ways for you to spend it poorly wisely! Let's bring the economy back in audacious style! Who cares if it's financially unsound!

1. Mediocre player trophies. $99 and up.

I'm sure Zach Plesac memorabilia with go up in value years from now! It's a buy even Warren Buffet would approve of!

2. Used toothpaste. $4 and up

You know it's really hard to find Crest toothpaste in Korea. Get into a bidding war on Expat Buy n'Sell over a half-finished roll. I've seen this happen before!

3. Craigslist lawyers. $120

Look, all I'm saying is you can't call Saul. But you can find a sketchy sleazy lawyer who will sue anyone you want for the low price of $120! What better way to get even with the jerk who took the parking space? Make him spent his check fighting you in court!

4. A friend for an hour off Fiver. $20 an hour

Are your friends busy? Don't have any? This is the Internet! You can rent a friend! Fiver has competitive rates! I should know... no that's not a cry for help wipes tears.

5. Elephant paintings. Yes, elephants can paint! $425

I'm actually jealous. They paint far better than I can! They don't even have fingers! How are they so much better than I am? Anyway if you want to make the art students in your life cry, what better way to prove their inferiority than with art drawn by animal with no fingers?

6. Can Cannon Soda Can Launcher AR-15 & M16. $269

Look, if you already have a military style weapon, then you got money to burn. Let's not beat around the bush here. This though is the best way to bring thirst quencing fire down on any thirsty person on the battlefield in the backyard! Your neighbors will love you (provided you're sharing the drinks) and so will window replacers! Talk about multiple ways of stimulating the national economy! You'll revitalize the entire local economy by breaking your neighbors windows!

A Funny Commercial

Here in Korea, the youtube ads can range from weird to interesting. Today I’ve found what has to be the #1 ad of the past 5 to 10 years.

So let me explain why this is so funny. I’ll break down the first ad.

  • The first few seconds show kids in total glee as they torment their exhausted wasted parents. The parents are done.

  • That smile on that boy. You can just feel the joy on his face as he and his friends have taken over the house.

  • Then this Game of Thrones extra comes in, the kids shut up. They look like, “oh s***. It’s RED WEDDING TIME. Then he makes the toys hover in the air and fly into a chair. Toys fly by him as he makes the crown made of balloons.

  • And thus the king of…IDK… kids activities, sits atop his (Iron) throne of toys. Now I’ve seen some well-off kids with lots of toys. Could you literally make a throne of toys? Yes maybe and it would be soft, made of plushies and teddy bears.

Of course the kids love this. The parents…they’re still lying on the floor, fried from too much childcare.

The second ad came out after the app officially launched. It’s just as funny if not more so.

  • The ad opens up with slow-mo shots of a doll being tugged on by two kids. One kid shouts something and calls for mom.

  • That rabbit doll looks scared, like 'help me these kids gonna tear me to pieces’!

  • A few seconds in, the kids are in a tug-of-war, toys and books are all over the place. Mom looks exhausted. And they wonder I don’t have kids.

  • About 5 seconds in, the mom asks for the dad to intervene but he’s washing dishes. Why can’t you get up and stop this madness?

  • Five seconds in, big brother spinning little sister around like a merry-go-round. He gonna chuck his sister out da house if someone don’t step in.

  • Seven seconds in, Dad takes off his gloves. S*** bout to get realllll. He better hurry because if he don’t it’s gonna be murder scene up in here. Look in the right side. That boy’s got something large, like a giant paint bucket and he slamming it down on his sister. This house has gone Capitol Riot up in here! Big brother’s bout to end his sister. “You done touched my plushie for the LAST time!”

  • Dad whips off the tablecloth and boom! Here comes the king! Them kids know better now. Them other kids in the first ad aren’t here. They got “red wedding’d” and they ain’t down for that.

  • Fifteen seconds in, out comes the app. The app is here. Of course if this were my mother, it’d be the belt. “You can have fun quietly, or you can have the belt. Your choice.” That was my mom’s rule.

  • The king holds court with his assistants. I guess it’s the people who appear in the app to guide the parents through the activities.

  • Twenty seconds in, you see the actual stuff on the app. Seeing the king there is…kinda creepy even though the crown looks silly. It’s supposed to be about the kids doing things, not you strumming your fingers or whatever.

  • At the end of the app, peace is restored to the house as the kids do the stretching activities, while being watched by the king with his hard plastic sword, sitting on his iron throne of toys. A happy ending for all.

To me anyway, this is the funniest ad since the Nissan superbowl ad in the 90s. There is so much humor potential with this ad that any decent comedian can make jokes for days. I’m tempted to send it Ozy Man Reviews just to see him make fun of it.

Recently I’ve been playing a bit of Phoenix Point with the DLCs. In the DLCs and patches they added a story mechanic in which you can research ways to turn the monstrous creatures the Pandorans into a food source. Naturally one of the factions in the game learns of this and they aren’t thrilled but they don’t stop me from trading the ‘food’ for tech & materials. This made me think of hilarious sketches that should have gone into the game.

So in the scene, the Phoenix Point team arrives in their airship at the New Jerico haven Fort Hayek, there to trade for materials.

Fort Hayek leader Jagoda Said: (looks at the crate) It says 'meat' on the box. What kinda meat is it?

Phoenix Project Operative: Look, it's meat, OK? Just...don't eat it raw.

Jagoda: (looks inside. Meat covered in clear plastic wrap) I haven't seen hamburger meat in 30 years. Is it supposed to be green?

Operative: I'm telling you it's safe! So it ain't pink slime, so what? Here I'll even give you a discount! 4 to 6, huh, huh?

Jagoda: Alright, fine. Fine, fine.

Operative: Just...use a lot of salt.

This reminded me of a time I went to a Super Bowl party at a countryside bar and there was a row of meat on the buffet. Roast chicken, deer, skunk, and Roast. Roast what? I didn’t stick around long after the game as whatever the ‘roast’ was didn’t do my stomach any favors. Moral of the story: if it’s vague, ask questions.

Later, the team goes to a citadel.

Operative: Sir we found something in the citadel.

Director: OOhhh bring back some mindfragger nuggets! Team 2 found an air fryer at the old lab!

Director: I'm stuffed! Those popcorn chicken balls were great!

Operative: Those weren't chicken balls, sir. They were fried chiron eggs.

Director: My god, they're tasty....

Later, the base got some complaints from operatives.

Operative: Director we've got a complaint from Murray Base. They say the Chiron sausage was too slimey.

Director: Ugh it's Synedrion. They're always picky.

Operative: Director we've got a complaint from Fort Zeus. They said the Siren bacon mind-controlled them and made them do the Macarena.

Director: Ugh it's New Jerico. They never follow cooking instructions. Types on keyboard New rules for trading: Do not sell Chiron sausage to Synedrion. Do not sell Siren bacon to New Jerico. Swap the two. stands up There, problem solved!

The squad drops off more food at the Disciples of Anu

Keeper of the Threshold: How did you produce so much wonderful meat?

Phoenix Point commander: The uh, Blind Legate provides much to those who seek. Yeah that's the strat. burp

Keeper: Huh... How much tabasco should I use on it?

Commander: Gallons per ounce.

Fort Hera Leader: Let me inspect this food box.

Phoenix Operative: Trust me, it's chicken!

Fort Hera Leader: I've heard stories about you, Project Phoenix. Lifts box open, tentacles fall out That's some mighty fine calamari there.

Phoenix Operative: Deal's off. See you never! runs back into the plane

Director: Excellent job, team! But why is there a chunk of tree stuck in Speeda? Who was driving? Radical?

Radical: That tree came out of nowhere, sir.

Director: From now on, everyone has to take a breathalyzer test before driving Speeda!

Operatives: arrrrrgghhh...

The team pays a visit to deliver new food to Fork York:

Nagar Leader: thanks for the food.

Phoenix operative: no problem.

Food Box: curse yooouuuu...

Nagar Leader: did you hear that? Sound like it came from the box.

Phoenix Operative: hahaha no that's silly walks over to box you're hearing things takes out pistol and points it at hidden side of box maybe it's mind control *pffft*.

Food Box: aak aak aaaakkk.

Phoenix Operative: It’s just the contents dying - I mean settling!

Nagar Leader crosses arms.

The team pays a visit to Nuzi town:

Nuzi leader: Thanks for the food!

Phoenix Operative: A deal's a deal.

Nuzi leader: Why does it say "Fort Bacon" on the box?

Phoenix Operative: Sorry no refunds! {Runs to the Helios}

Kish leader: What do you have for us today?

Phoenix Operative: ...Crab. Lots of crab.

Kish leader: Sold! BTW how'd you get the Pandoravirus out of the meat?

Phoenix Operative: ...Yes.

In the New Jericho rescue operation, Tobias West enters the battlefield. Here's what happened:

At the start of battle, West and his assistant look out the window and sees Pandorans.

West: By golly! They darest attack me here, in my Sanctum Santorum?! Smithers, I shall meet them on the field of battle!

Assistant: Uh, sir?

West: Don't talk me down, Smithers! I've seen our forces fight bravely on our monitors! (Grabs grenades from office gun locker) How hard can it be?!

Assistant: Uh...sir?

West: No sense in further delay, Smithers. I shall surprise them from the roof. Write this down! The battle cry for today is the one my ancestor once used.

Assistant: Sir, Phoenix Project is-

West: LEEEROOOYYY JEENNKINS! (Runs to the roof)

Soldier: 13:18 Did he just run in?

West: LEEEROY JENNKINS! (Throws grenande) Oh...shouldn't have cut back on interior wall materiAALLLSSS!~ (Falls down)

Assistant: I tried to tell him...(Calls up Phoenix Point) OK let's just say that I'm Tobias West from now on.

Phoenix Point blogger: What are your recipes for Arthron burgers?

New Jericho: Salt. Only salt. Chargrilled with a blowtorch to safe temperature.

Synedrion: Marinated overnight in free-range low-sodium turkey sauce with 2 bay leaves, garlic cloves hand-picked from Namhae Korea and 100g turmeric from the Himalayas. Then the meat must be cubed into blocks no greater than 4.5x4.5x4.5 and then it gets covered in a Dry Riesling wine from the Alsace region, then minced and baked in the oven for 40 minutes.

Disciples of Anu: Soaked in the hot sauce of the gods! 100% PAIN! The power of the spicyness and the flavors will make you touch THE GODS!